Expecting the Unexpected! When Planned Pregnancy Wasn’t?
Author: Stef Daniel
Just two short weeks before my youngest of three was about to start a brand new full-day kindergarten career, I found out I was pregnant. Just three weeks earlier, I had interviewed and received the job of my dreams and life was falling into place. Then, the news from my medical doctor hit me like a snowstorm in June, and I was filled with a mix of anguish, fear, frustration and an irreversible feeling that felt like a pit in my belly. When I told my husband, he simply changed the subject as if I were joking.
The Alan Guttmacher Institute in New York estimates that around 49% of all pregnancies are unplanned. Another shocking statistic is that 50% of all women under the age of 44 have had an unplanned pregnancy. When it comes to married couples with or without children, research suggests that around three-forths of all pregnancies are unplanned, but since they are occurring to older women within a committed relationship, they are not as shocking. But they are shocking to a woman experiencing them.
Being pregnant unexpectedly is a shock. Suddenly, visions of diaper bags, whining babies, and no free time swirl in your head. At first, it almost feels like another 5-year sentence rather than good news. What makes this worse is that the outside world just assumes that it is okay with you and offers congratulations and blessings. Some will even be jealous that you are getting to do the whole infant and baby thing all over again. All you can think about is the fact that your new job, along with the opportunity to be alone while all the kids are finally at school, are now lying in pieces like broken glass. The body you worked hard to get back is now on its way down hill, and now that you are older, it will be even more difficult to straighten it out again once this pregnancy is over. Not to mention the pains of pregnancy, the doctor trips, the stuff to buy (that you likely just sold in a garage sale), and the fact that you are literally starting over. Your kids have just reached the age where they can be left home while you run to the store or out to dinner, and now, suddenly a baby is coming.
This feeling can ebb and flow throughout pregnancy, and the fact remains that many women feel ashamed of their feelings. They feel ashamed that they aren't glowing and joyous and that the thought of maternity clothes makes them feel worse than morning sickness. This internal struggle is constant, and as hormonal shifts occur, you may experience feelings of excitement and dread intertwined. Another aspect is that often older children are embarrassed about this unplanned pregnancy, and other people just wonder why you haven't figured out how to use birth control properly. When it hits you that you will have a child in college and one starting 1st grade, you won't know whether to laugh or cry. This is normal!
Mothers spend a large part of their life tending to kids, and it is only natural and normal to look forward to that day when the youngest walks through the threshold of elementary school: the workouts you can have the money you can earn, the time to think and finally clean out those closets! Sometimes, having children is similar to feeling jailed, as there are hundreds of things you want and desire to do, but just can't due to circumstances. When you are in child rearing and baby mode, it doesn't matter how much you have to give up. But, when you are almost through with the car seat and stroller phase….going back isn't as inviting. Who wouldn't look forward to some freedom?
If you are one of those women, you need not feel ashamed of how you're feeling. Even women who plan their pregnancies feel regret at some moment. After all, change is difficult to digest, especially if everything is already perfect. The thing is to allow yourself to work through your feelings and feel them as they come. Don't resent yourself, your spouse, or the baby, and have confidence in the fact that all will be well in the end. When you see that baby, you will feel just like you did before, and within a few months of delivery you will wonder how you got along without him or her! The whole family will be complete. Ignore all those "must have been meant to be" comments, and realize that your mothering skills are now impeccable. This time will be the easiest. Normally those surprise babies turn out to be a lot of fun, and since they have older moms and parents, they come out more normal!
Take heart! When my fourth little surprise was born, unplanned and unexpected, I loved her incredibly. I do find moments when I wish that I wasn't chasing around a toddler, but also have the insight of experience to help me understand that this phase passes quickly. While my emotions were a roller coaster during pregnancy, everything in the end did work out just as it was supposed to. It will for you as well. Try not to beat yourself up for feeling the way you do, and have faith in yourself and your family. Lots of women may not admit it aloud, but they feel exactly like you are feeling!
