Bonding with Twins during the First Year
Author: Stef Daniel
Eight months into my twins' arrival, I still felt as though I hadn't bonded or connected personally with either of them. I felt like a failure as a mother and tried to force the feelings I had heard and read about into my heart, only to always seem to come up short. Yes, I loved my girls wholly and in a kind of way I didn't know possible. However, I was expecting something very different, an epiphany of sorts that would make my life complete and empower me as a mom! Not having that instantaneous cliché bonding like other mothers, I became sad, frustrated, depressed, and wondered if I really deserved to be a mother at all, and of twins nonetheless!
The good news is by the time they were 12-14 months old, all of those special feelings and contentedness with bonding seemed to naturally fall into place. For someone who has twins, especially if you have them first, it is important to realize that your pregnancy, birth, and first year experience is completely different from someone else's. The problem is that I didn't realize this until some 4 years later when I had my singleton birth. Mothers of twins need to know!
Twin pregnancy and delivery is nothing short of a 3-ring circus. There are so many people constantly watching you, asking you questions, and treating you as if you are a delicate piece of porcelain. The birth of twins is also accompanied by so many people, many of whom, like the respiratory therapists, are expecting the worst. For many moms who may have been dead-set on a vaginal delivery, they are encouraged by the medical community to submit to a C-section. Once the babies are born, they are often whisked away so quickly to be checked out thoroughly. They may end up in a nursery or NICU where mom doesn't have access or where they are surrounded by too many well wishers that mom feels an immediate disconnect. This can make the birth experience feel like a let-down to say the least, and many twin moms report feeling as though their involvement in the birth and direct days following is almost like an afterthought. The whole thing is very hectic, which is not conducive to bonding at all.
Then there is the almost surreal feeling of holding two babies at once. Even though you knew they were there all along, once you see them in the flesh, it is totally different. In flood the feelings of joy, pride, and of being overwhelmed, worried, and stressed all at once. Before you have time to heal, it's game on, and you become a non-stop caregiver for the next 12 months with little time to breathe, let alone bond! When there is always so much to do, how can you expect to take time for your own feelings?
The other problem is that when you have two babies, there is always one for someone else to hold. This means that you don't get that intimate time looking deeply into your newborn's eyes, and if you try to hold both of them, some well-meaning person will always snag them from you. In the first few weeks, just like in all births, family involvement is often intrusive and abundant stealing away those first few days of adjusting to the new lives in your life. Let's mention hormones as well, and all the endless decisions about bottle or breast, co-sleep or crib, etc…that a new mother is faced with. Together, a mother of twins is doubly stressed! Then, one day 6-12 months later, you realize as you are changing two diapers for the 10th time that morning, that you haven't had one minute to stop and 'smell the roses', that you still don't feel like you have bonded with your babies in that sort of fairy tale way that is described in books!
The truth is that you have to be patient with yourself. You have to give yourself time and you have to realize that your 'twin' experience is not like a single birth. In fact, there are plenty of things that make it better! You also have to realize that no one person, book, friend, doctor or other mother can tell you how this bonding thing is supposed to work. It is personal, intimate and completely unfolds in your own time. There is an emotional process that comes with having twins and the time will come when you feel just as bonded as is right. The time will come when you will have processed everything from conception to birth and come to terms with it regardless of your early expectations. There will come a time when people will finally leave you alone to do what you do best…be a mother of twins. It takes a certain kind of person who is organized, realistic, confident and not dreamy or weak to raise twins. And, that person is you!
Whether you feel that metaphorical sense of 'bonding' or not, your twins feel it. There will come a day when you are pulling both of them in a wagon through the yard, listening to them giggle, and realizing in an instant how quickly they have changed; you will look at them and realize that IT has been there all along. You just haven't had time to notice it. For every mom, whether she has one baby or three, the bonding develops slowly and surely just like it does in every relationship in our lives; the difference with out children is that the love part comes first. In addition, that happens long before you even see them and is the mark of being a mother.
